


Miss Anthropic

by fourteenlines



Category: Stargate Atlantis, Wonderfalls
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-12-26
Updated: 2005-12-26
Packaged: 2018-02-09 18:04:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,040
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1992570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fourteenlines/pseuds/fourteenlines
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"And did you have to go to clown school to get your Ph.D., or did you just get it right out of the crackerjack box?"  Or, Jaye Tyler in Atlantis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Miss Anthropic

**Author's Note:**

> Originally published 12/26/2005.
> 
> So the actress who played Gretchen Speck on Wonderfalls also guest starred on SGA. Clearly this merited fic.

"Unscheduled offworld activation!" crowed someone in the control room. The senior staff looked up from their meeting in Weir's office; McKay scowled as everyone else ran for their positions.

"Well, someone has a fine grasp of the obvious," he said, glaring pointedly at the aqueous glow of the event horizon, at the speakers chirruping the alarms; in short, at everything.

Tyler slumped down further in her seat and attempted to look inconspicuous. "I was going to say that." She tried not to pout. It made her look even more ridiculous than usual, what with the threat of imminent death and all.

Through the glass walls of Weir's office, sound carried to them as though underwater. They caught snatches of the conversation: "...transmitting IDC..." "...verification confirmed..." "...isn't that the planet that wanted to make you..." Just another day in Atlantis, then.

They must have decided that the activation was no threat, because a few moments later a couple of people came stumbling through the gate. Tyler ignored it and went to the coffee pot in the corner, refilling her mug whilst glowering at life in general.

"Hey, top up mine while you're at it," McKay said, pushing his cup across the table toward her.

"Forget it! Get your own! Do I look like a waitress to you?"

"Well, now that's a good question. I never have been able to figure out just what it was you _do_ here, Tyler."

"I," she said, mustering every ounce of wounded pride she'd never really felt, "am the official Pegasus Galaxy documentarian. Assuming that the project ever, y'know, gets declassified."

" _Documentarian?_ What does that even mean?"

"It means that I...document...stuff."

McKay stared at her for a moment with an expression that clearly said, _Why do I even bother?_ It was an expression that Tyler knew well. "Oh _really_. How fascinating. And did you have to go to clown school to get your Ph.D., or did you just get it right out of the crackerjack box?"

"Hey, I may suck at justifying my existence to the universe at large, but at least my degrees are real."

"Let me guess -- a state school? Something with more football players than perfect-score SATs?"

Tyler rolled her eyes. "Like I would bother. I got my philosophy BA from Brown, my MA in English at Hobart, and my doctorate at Princeton." She looked at him suspiciously and added, "For...your information."

McKay looked like he'd choked on his coffee, or maybe accidentally eaten something guaranteed to send him into anaphylactic shock. "That has got to be the most useless string of degrees I've ever heard. I'm genuinely shocked that someone like you would be included on the Atlantis expedition." The unspoken, but clearly understood, final clause was _...or even allowed to live._

"Oh, let's be honest. I'm here because I can _turn stuff on with my brain._ " She made the doors open and close, just an inch, as if to prove her point and warrant the smug expression on her face. "Besides, mine can't be the most useless degrees in the history of the world. My brother? Has a Ph.D. in comparative religion, and he doesn't even believe in God!" She nodded as if to prove her point.

McKay looked as though he was nonplussed that she actually _had_ made a good point. "Huh. That is a pretty useless degree."

At that moment, the doors to Weir's office slid open in earnest, and she entered, trailed by Sheppard, Teyla, big cute guy, Scottish cute guy, and...

"Hey, I know you!" Tyler exclaimed, sitting bolt upright for perhaps the first time in years. "How did you get to the Pegasus Galaxy?"

The new visitor from MX7-34P, also known as the Planet That Wanted to Make Sheppard King, looked stereotypically confused. "What? I'm sorry, madam, but have we met before?" She turned to Sheppard and looked like she might cry.

Tyler frowned. "And...what's with the fake British accent?"

"I'm sorry, but I really don't know what you're talking about. What's...British?"

"Oh, come _on_ , Gretchen. You may be a total bimbo, but even you know 'the British are coming, the British are coming.'"

"I...I really don't..."

"Don't try to psych me out!" Tyler said, standing up and shouting, " _I destroyed you!_ "

"Hey! Hey, hey, hey." Sheppard held an arm out defensively. "There's no need to destroy anything here," he said, and shot a pleading look at Weir. "Dr. Tyler, you must be mistaken. This is Mara, from MX7-34P, also known as the Planet That Wanted to Make Me King. She's come for some trade negotiations. Mara, this is Dr. Tyler. She was just leaving."

Weir caught on pretty quickly, rather disturbed herself at the diplomatic implications of one of her staff threatening to destroy an envoy from another world. "Rodney, why don't you take Dr. Tyler down to the infirmary? I'm sure Dr. Biro would be happy to check her for signs of massive head trauma?" She looked questioningly at Beckett, who nodded frantically.

"No! No," Tyler said quickly, knowing only too well where this was headed. "No head trauma. I just, um. I had too much coffee. It's not really my afternoon drink of choice, and, all that caffeine. Destroying my stomach. And all...that. I should probably just go lie down."

Weir looked at her steadily for a moment before succumbing to whatever voodoo mind tricks Tyler had managed to pick up over the years, and nodded. "Okay, just help her to her quarters then, Rodney."

McKay grabbed her elbow and led her out of Weir's office. As the door slid shut, he said, "So...I'm guessing she reminded you of someone from home?"

"You couldn't get me to swear that wasn't Gretchen Speck come to take revenge on me for spilling a Mai-Tai on her dress at our six and a half year reunion."

"Six and a...no, you know what? Nevermind."

"Probably wise."

"Still. You _destroyed_ her?"

Tyler's mouth twisted in all sorts of ways that defied basic physiology but managed to convey her reluctance wholeheartedly. "The chicken made me do it."

"Uh...huh. Just out of curiosity, what _is_ your afternoon drink of choice?"

They reached the transporter and stepped into it. She looked him square in the eye and answered, "Tequila."

McKay sighed. "That explains so much about you."

+

"No, no no no. Elizabeth said to take you straight to your quarters, and that's where we are going. Because in case you hadn't noticed, Elizabeth can be scary." Tyler slanted him a funny look and he amended, "Okay, she's not really scary at all, but she commands a lot of scary people who look to her with slavish devotion. It's the same thing, really."

"Whatever. Dr. Weir didn't say we had to go straight to my quarters, she just said to take me there. That clearly leaves room for a stopover in the cafeteria. I'm hungry."

"For the last time, it's not the _cafeteria_ , it's the _mess_. What are we, in grade school? And since when did you become a barracks lawyer, anyway?" McKay's stomach growled, clearly audible to them both.

"No, the lawyer's my sister. My approach is closer to...contemplation of logical conundrums. Philosophical enigmas." She smirked. "And you thought my philosophy degree was useless."

"It _is_ pretty useless," McKay snapped. "But...as far as petty uses go, getting us leeway to stop in the mess is a fairly good one. I suppose."

"You just hate me because you're not the most misanthropic person in Atlantis anymore."

McKay stopped and stared at her in indignation. "Not the most--! That's ridiculous. I am _clearly_ more misanthropic than you are! I've had longer to perfect it!"

"Yeah," Tyler said, rolling her eyes and walking past him down the hall, "but you've got that whole relentless ambition thing going on. I? Am the epitome of slacker-dom. And way more misanthropic than you."

McKay found, for once in his life, that he had absolutely no comeback. "I...I...I hate you."

"Now didn't I just say that?"

+

The mess wasn't full at that hour, and they could have easily filled their trays and sat as far apart as possible, like the dedicated little misanthropes they were. But Dr. Weir had instructed McKay to get Tyler back to her quarters, and she was a shifty little devil. He wouldn't put it past her to make a break for it while he had his attention focused elsewhere. So he put his tray down at her table instead. She didn't even glare at him. Much.

"So," he finally said when the sullen silence got too much for him, "you keep talking about your family. Most of us who come to Atlantis either don't have family or aren't close to them. Why did you come?" He punctuated this periodically with forkfuls of mashed potato-like substance shoveled into his mouth.

The real reason Jaye Tyler came to Atlantis was that it was the one place she was pretty certain would be almost entirely free of objects with animal faces, and still have indoor plumbing. Two psych ward visits in three years was quite enough, and even the combined forces of her mother and Dr. Ron probably couldn't help her a third time. So she did what anyone would do. She ran away. Surprisingly enough, "may be clinically insane" didn't seem to count against her in her SGC psych profile.

But she couldn't very well tell McKay that. There were some pretty weird things in the Pegasus Galaxy but nothing so weird as talking animal faces turning a person into fate's bitch. Dr. Heightmeyer seemed like a very nice lady and much less likely to get tied up and set on fire than Dr. Ron, but Tyler could really do without regular shrink visits for the time being.

"Please," she said. "I hate my family, I just couldn't get _away_ from them. Why do you think I came to a whole new galaxy?"

"Ah, right. The distance factor. I've heard that one before." 

They finished their meal and finally made their way to Tyler's quarters. Coming around the last corner before her door, they literally bumped into Dr. Barudi, the Egyptian xenobiologist. McKay attempted to scowl him into submission, but as they were passing, a tiny bird emblazoned on the flag of Barudi's jacket perked up at the sight of Tyler and squawked, "The weather's changing!"

Tyler jumped out of her skin and shouted. "What? No. No! I'm not doing that any! More! Do you hear me! No more!"

"What? Who? What?" McKay, panic rising, looked frantically around. He caught Tyler by the arm and shouted back, "What are you talking about!"

"Oh, um, uh. Nothing. I just...don't like running into people." They arrived at her door and McKay followed her inside without argument. "Hey, um. I heard...somebody say in the mess that the weather's changing. That mean anything to you?"

"What?" McKay quickly activated his radio. "Radek? Radek! Can you hear me? I need you to check the global mapping and tell me if there are any more hurricanes on the radar."

A moment later Zelenka's voice came back saying, "No, Rodney, there are no signs of a hurricane. It's not the right season for them, anyway. Are you all right?"

"Yes, yes, I'm fine. McKay out." He looked at Tyler. "So. No. Doesn't mean a thing."

"Oh." She frowned, worried. The chicken usually meant something important even when it wasn't actually a chicken. "I hate...people. I really hate people." People who came from stupid countries like Egypt that just had to go and put animals on their flags, and _damn_ , why hadn't she considered that before?

McKay sighed. "Join the club."

"I think we _are_ the club."

He stood up and said, "Well, I've safely delivered you to your quarters. You aren't going to go destroy anyone, are you?"

"Wouldn't you like to know?" she said back, but her heart wasn't in it.

"Well. This has been. An experience."

"Still more misanthropic than you!" Tyler shouted at the closing door and his retreating back.

She went to the tiny window in her room and looked out, at the sky and the perfect, unchanging weather.


End file.
